I couldn’t pray much yesterday. I meditated and repeated one of my favorite promises about God but I couldn’t bring myself to ask God for anything.
I did ask Him to let me be a blessing to someone when I went to the grocery store but I found myself more irritated with everyone there than spreading too many blessings.
My lack of communication with God kind of shocked me. Even in the darkest moments in my life, I have still reached out to God. But I hit a wall yesterday in my frustration and distrust of God. I don’t understand what he is doing and most importantly the way he is doing it and the timing of his work seems to be more twisted and cruel than fulfilling. I know I am not being objective but to have good things snatched from me over and over has left me jaded, timid, and less of a risk taker.
I so relate to these words by Tish Harrison Warren, “So I trick myself into believing that if I don’t take up joy or celebration, that maybe, just maybe, it won’t hurt so much when grief rises like the tide. I hedge my bets, wait for the other shoe to drop, and protect myself from pain by avoiding the wonder and beauty before me. I try to shield myself from disappointment by not embracing joy.”
I feel like Doubting Thomas, or what others have called him, Disappointed Thomas. Even hearing his friends talk about the resurrected Jesus wasn’t going to let Disappointed Thomas get his hopes up. He had seen too much hurt and disappointment to give himself a chance to hope so he says that he needs to see the resurrected Jesus for himself. And that is exactly what happens, Jesus shows up and proves that he has risen from the dead by letting Thomas touch all of the wounds that death had inflicted on his body. Thomas then proclaims, “My Lord and my God.” His disappointment had turned to worship and joy.
I am not there yet. My disappointment hasn’t turned to worship and joy and I am fighting off the words of Satan that wants me to turn my back on God and think all of the worst lies about myself. I want to see Jesus and the miracle of his resurrection for myself. Though I am frustrated, I believe that my desperation mixed with God’s desire to show up will result in something glorious.
I am just not there yet.