How do you write when you would rather just sleep?
How do you write when everyday you feel like you have just been run over by a bus?
How do you write when you have been drained of every ounce of profundity or insight?
How do you write when just getting up in the morning to go to work is your greatest accomplishment for the day?
Regular readers of this blog may have noticed that I have gotten off my usual pattern. For months, I would put out two blog posts a week. I haven’t been able to do that this summer. I lack the mental, spiritual, and physical capacity at this moment to keep to that schedule.
All of my posts recently have centered on my dad’s illness and death and my part in that equation. From a spiritual sense, that is about all that I can address right now. Before this summer, I would have post ideas brewing days before and when it was time for me to write something, my thoughts would be primed and ready to go. But lately, the only thought I have brewing regarding this blog have been, “I hope I can get at least one out this week.”
I haven’t lost my morning routine. I have remained consistent, yet not up to date, with my Apprentice Experience reading. I even exercise regularly. But expressing myself beyond my rawest emotions and most evident reflections has been difficult.
I write this not as a way to whine or to elicit sympathy but to tell you part of the toil that struggle and grief can take on a person. I also write this to give you a marker for how I am doing with my grief.
When I get back to two posts a week and can start writing about subjects that don’t involve disease, struggle, and death, then you will know I am doing better. I am just not there yet.
Grow Up Blog 
There is a season for everything under the sun. I will always keep your family in my prayers. I also wish to thank you for reminding me there is sunshine after the valley and that we will look back on these times in our lives instead of from the midst and you have given me words that cause me to pause and think about how this time will look later. Did I honor those I love with this walk through the valley, and most if all did I honor the Lord with my walk. Did I show faith, hope, and love. Did I walk what I believe. I will do my utmost. Thank you Scott for taking time to share with us. Thank you for serving even when it’s hard.
You are very kind Janet. Your questions are ones that we all should ask ourselves regularly.
Thanks for sharing. Why don’t you write about these meta-emotions and how you are feeling. If you are feeling emotionally drained, write that. If you are feeling like it was an accomplishment to just get up today, write that. If you can’t muster any will to write today, write that. I think we all go thru these spells in life, some never pass thru them.
Jong, you aren’t the only one who has encouraged me to write about these things. Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Scott, Please know that I am uplifting you in prayer. I know exactly what you are going through as our family went through a “death”, in fact, 3 from November, December & February. We are still struggling each day, but without GOD to carry us through, I’m afraid I would be worse off than I currently am. I feel as though my memory & thought process has also died because I just can’t seem to remember things from a few minutes ago. I just feel empty & alone sooo much, but it’s a constant reminder that through the ordeal of the sickness and even during the aftermath, GOD has shown me things He did that made me realize that he was walking along side of us. I was appointed as “executor” for one of the family member’s estate and didn’t know the 1st clue as to what to do. Each function and duty that I had to carry out was 1st taken to God to PLEASE guide me & show me what or how I was supposed to do this duty in order to honor and uphold to their wishes. God always showed me what I was do and even still currently, things are coming through that I thought was already taken care of that usually sets me back a few steps. Please be gentle with your self and allow yourself the time to “accept” what God has put in front of you. As much as we don’t understand the “Whys”, it is comforting, “to me” to know & trust & believe that God knows best. I pray for the endurance of strength for you as God uplifts the burden of grief from your heart. I pray that HIS presence is felt by you during those “low” moments, I pray for patience that you allow yourself the time that you need to absorb & reflect on your memories of your dad, I pray that “sunshine” will give you that healthy glow once again, & I pray that family & friends can offer the support to you to know that it’s OK for you to have those down moments. God bless and be with you during this sad journey and I pray that each day will bring a brighter tomorrow!
You are very sweet Julie to write and encourage so much. Thank you for the reminder of God’s presence through all of this.