No one chooses to face the depths of their ruined heart.
Because we never seek this out, sometimes God has to force us to come to grips with our true bankruptcy of spirit. This usually occurs through some kind of tragedy or crisis or wilderness time. These are times when we come face to face with our own limits and realize we have little of what it takes to truly make it, to truly change, to truly be like Christ.
As my Dad faces death due to Cancer, I have had constant and ugly reminders of the depths of my selfishness, childishness, spoiled nature, and general immaturity. I talk a big spiritual game but this crisis has shown me that I am more than willing to manipulate even the most serious of situations towards my own comfort and wishes. I have fantasized about scenarios surrounding my family that might benefit others but basically only benefit me and my agenda.
I have discovered that my capacity for compassion has limits, that my willingness to trust God is lacking, and that I want growth but on my own terms.
So I repent of my need to manufacture good for myself and put myself at the center of the universe. I want you Lord more than I want comfort for myself; more than I want my agenda; more than I want things to be easy.
Not my will but yours be done.
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